Me again. Harping on about food, diet, fitness, where I’ve been, where I am at. A broken record it may seem. But a lot of small things have sparked big ideas and triggered thoughts for me between photos, places, things I have done. It may appear as something to irrelevant but it’s all a huge accomplishment for me.
On Monday I was in Junction One & as soon as I entered the car park a wave of emotions came over me. Scary ones. Sort of a panicky feeling. I had spent days on end travelling to Antrim to get weighed, told to eat more & told I was going to die. Each time we left the hospital there was a fallout between Mummy & I as it was always “snack time” which was inevitably a horrible time for me but Mummy would remind me of the number on the scales & the fact my heart was so weak it could stop and insist that I would eat as and when she told me to. So we would go for coffee & have 2 biscuits each. That was all.
But that was enough to put the switch on in my head and the voice perked up causing me distress & frustration. I knew I had to get better but at this low point his voice was overpowering the strength I had to make myself eat. I can remember walking into Starbucks one of those days wearing a jumper, leggings & boots. I was skeletal. The epitome of ill health and I looked as though I was going to collapse at any time. I could see my reflection in the glass doors and I thought it was ok. I knew I was thin because everyone told me but I was ok with it. I caught two women at a table staring at me, at my legs; at my face before turning to discuss the horrific sight with eachother. I proceeded to a wooden chair (with my head down) but it wasn’t before long I had to get up because the bones in my backside protruded and caused serious discomfort against the hard chair. Snack time was a struggle and I cried the whole way home.
As I walked through the doors on Monday, I, again caught my reflection in the doors. I was wearing my gym gear (Monday comforts and that) and as daft as I sound I felt a serious amount of pride as I could recall how weak I was 4 years ago compared to how I am now.
It’s not really anything to do with the number on the scales when it comes to judging my progress in recovery – in fact, I couldn’t tell you what I weigh and I couldn’t give a fiddlers what I do. I am healthy. I’m getting stronger & most of all I am happy. I haven’t been content in my own skin in years (well…who is?) but I push myself each day to become better, stronger & to achieve my goals where fitness is concerned. Goals are achievable for absolutely anybody, you just have to use your resources, your strength & determination and a backbone to get to the top!
Last night, after having fuelled my body wisely throughout the day it told me it fancied a pick me up after dinner. Making a wise choice (as much as I love chocolate and all things bad) I had two rice cakes with almond butter & banana. Only months ago I was having that as my dinner after not eating all day & still training quite a bit. Physically I looked ok, mentally I was in turmoil and emotionally I was drained. Exhausted fighting with the pleas of my body and the pains in my stomach. Desperate not to give in or to eat.
I say it time and time again. I think I am more pushy with it because I’ve walked the walk, I’ve been to the lowest point of lows and I’ve seen some of the darkest days all in the name of starvation. All I want now is to make a difference for those who are suffering, silently and furiously. It can be a silent killer but, being here now I can vouch for what they say; if it doesn’t kill you it’ll only make you stronger.
I’m strong enough now to make healthy food choices, to eat well, treat myself, fuel my body accordingly (particularly on high training days) and to never starve it of the nutrients (and treats) it needs. I’m strong enough to refuse fad diets and 3 day juice detoxes. They are not natural nor are they healthy choices.
I’m well on the road to leading a healthy, fit and happy life and I think it’s all thanks to me hitting rock bottom before.
“She believed she could, so she did.”
Until the next ramble…….